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COSMOPOLITAN GIRL
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(Janis Ian)
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I WAS ONLY 29 AND LONELY AS A BULL MOOSE IN HEAT
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WHEN HE CAME ALONG, SINGING THAT SAME OLD SONG
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I SAID - YOU KNOW I'M ENTERING MY PRIME
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THIRTY-ONE TO THIRTY-NINE
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BET YOU'VE READ THE ARTICLES, TOO
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STATISTICALLY SPEAKING, MY HORMONES ARE CREEPING
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I CAN FEEL THEM MOVING IN THE NIGHT
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BUT LIKE THE ARTICLES SAY - I AM WOMAN
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I CAN WAIT UNTIL IT'S RIGHT
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I WANT TO BE A COSMOPOLITAN, COSMOPOLITAN
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COSMOPOLITAN GIRL
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TAKE HALF A DOZEN LOVERS, TEACH THEM WHAT I'VE SEEN
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INBETWEEN THE COVERS OF MY FAVORITE MAGAZINE
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I WANT TO READ STATISTICS, PLAN LOGISTICS
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LIVE MY LIFE TO THE HILT
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WITHOUT SHAME, WITHOUT PAIN, WITHOUT GUILT
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I HIT THIRTY WAITING FOR MY ENDOCRINES
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TO MATCH THE QUESTIONNAIRES
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HE GREW IMPATIENT, I SAID - I'M SAVING MYSELF
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MEANTIME, LET'S DO SOME THERAPY
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TAKE A COURSE IN CODEPENDENCY
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AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, YOU COULD LOSE SOME WEIGHT
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WE'VE GOT SO MUCH TO SHARE
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NO, DON'T TOUCH ME THERE
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WHAT'S ANOTHER YEAR BETWEEN FRIENDS
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THE WAIT WILL BE WORTH IT
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I'M BOUND TO BE PERFECT BY THEN
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I WANT TO BE A COSMOPOLITAN, COSMOPOLITAN
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COSMOPOLITAN GIRL
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I'M READING KAMA SUTRA - IBOUGHT IT ON CASSETTE
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I FOUND A CHIROPRACTOR WHO CAN LIMBER UP MY NECK
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I WANT THAT FIRST TIME FLAWLESS, REALLY LAWLESS
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LIVE MY LIFE TO THE HILT
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WITHOUT SHAME, WITHOUT PAIN, WITHOUT GUILT
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THE BIG DAY FINALLY CAME
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THERE WAS A NOTE ON THE DOOR
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IT SAID - HERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING TO REMEMBER ME BY
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I'VE FALLEN FOR A WAITRESS WHO ACCEPTS HER CELLULITE
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THIS IS A COSMOPOLITAN, COSMOPOLITAN, COSMOPOLITAN GIFT
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AND I KNOW THAT YOU'LL APPRECIATE IT WHEN YOU THINK OF ME
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ALL THOSE EMPTY NIGHTS WHILE YOU'RE PROTECTING YOUR VIRGINITY
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THIS GIFT IS FLAWLESS, THIS GIFT IS CORDLESS
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SO ENJOY IT TO THE HILT
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WITHOUT SHAME, WITHOUT PAIN, WITHOUT GUILT
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WITHOUT SHAME, WITHOUT PAIN, WITHOUT GUILT
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NO SHAME, NO PAIN, NO GUILT
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COSMOPOLITAN GIRL
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| Janis Ian |
