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[Spoken]
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Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream. About me. About you. The way our American hearts beat down in the bottom of our chests. About the special
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feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the sub-cockle area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the colon,
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we don't know.
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I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job
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I'm your average white suburbanite slob
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I like football and porno and books about war
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I've got an average house with a nic hardwood floor
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My wife and my job, my kids and my car
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My feet on my table, and a cuban cigar
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But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
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(Oh no) No Way (Uh-uh)
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No, I've gotta go out and have fun
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At someone else's expense
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(Oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
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I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
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While people behind me are going insane
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I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
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I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)
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I use public toilets and piss on the seat
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I walk around in the summertime saying, "How about this heat?"
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I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
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I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
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Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
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While handicapped people make handicapped faces
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I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
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I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)
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Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
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Ranting and raving and carrying on
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Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong
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Naaaah!
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I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
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I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
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[Spoken]
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You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible, hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior and big brown
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baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115mph getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder cheese burgers from
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McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the
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American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and there ain't a God damned thing anybody can do about it. YOu know why? Because
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we got the bombs, that's why.
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[Spoken]
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Two words. Nuclear fucking weapons, okay?! Russia, Germany, Romania - they can have all the Democracy they want. They can have a big democracy cake-walk
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right through the middle of Tiananmen square and it won't make a lick of difference because we've got the bombs, okay?! John Wayne's not dead - he's frozen. And as
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soon as we find the cure for cancer we're gonna thaw out the duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well
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multiple that by 15-million times, that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes...
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(Hey)
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and Lee Marvin
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(Hey)
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and Sam Pekinpah
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(Hey)
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And a case of Whiskey and drive down to Texas...
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(Hey, you know you really are an asshole)
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Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song pal!
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I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
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I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
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A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E
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[Barking]
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Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf
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Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum
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Oooh Oooh
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[Spoken]
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I'm an asshole and proud of it!
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-----------------
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Asshole
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Dennis Leary |