words and music by Arlo Guthrie
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This next song we're going to dedicate to a great American
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organization. Tonight I'd like to dedicate this to our boys
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in the FBI.
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Well, wait a minute. It's hard to be an FBI man. I mean, first
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of all, being an FBI man, you have to be over 40 years old.
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And the reason is that it takes at least 25 years with the
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organization to be that much of a bastard. It's true. You just
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can't join, you know. It needs an atmosphere where your
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natural bastardness can grow and develop and take a
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meaningful shape in today's complex society.
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But that's not why I want to dedicate the song to the FBI. I
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mean, the job that they have to do is a drag. I mean, they have
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to follow people around, you know. That's part of their job.
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Follow me around.
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I'm out on the highway and I'm drivin' down the road and I
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run out of gasoline. I pull over to the side of the road. They
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gotta pull over too - make believe that they ran out, you
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know.
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I go to get some gasoline. They have to figure out whether
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they should stick with the car or follow me. Suppose I don't
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come back and they're stayin' with the car.
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Or if I fly on the airplanes, I could fly half fare because I'm 12
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to 22. And they gotta pay the full fare. But the thing is that
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when you pay the full fare, you have to get on the airplane
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first, so that they know how many seats are left over for the
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half fare kids. Right? And sometimes there aren't any seats
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left over, and sometimes there are, but that doesn't mean that
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you have to go.
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Suppose that he gets on and fills up the last seat, so you can't
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get on. Then he gets off then you can get on. What's he gonna
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do?
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Well, it's a drag for him. But that's not why I want to dedicate
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the song to the FBI.
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During these hard days and hard weeks, everybody always
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has it bad once in a while. You know, you have a bad time of
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it, and you always have a friend who says "Hey man, you
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ain't got it that bad. Look at that guy." And you at that
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guy, and he's got it worse than you. And it makes you feel
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better that there's somebody that's got it worse than you.
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But think of the last guy. For one minute, think of the last
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guy. Nobody's got it worse than that guy. Nobody in the
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whole world. That guy...he's so alone in the world that he
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doesn't even have a street to lay in for a truck to run him over.
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He's out there with nothin'. Nothin's happenin' for that cat.
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And all that he has to do to create a little excitement in his
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own life is to bum a dime from somewhere, call up the FBI.
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Say "FBl?", they say "Yes", say "I think Uncle Ho and Chair-
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man Mao and their friends are comin' over for dinner" (click)
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Hang up the phone.
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And within two minutes, and not two minutes from when he
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hangs up the phone, but two minutes from when he first put
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the dime in, they got 30,000 feet of tape rollin'; files on tape;
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pictures, movies, dramas, actions on tape. But then they send
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out a half a million people all over the entire world, the globe,
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they find out all they can about this guy.
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'Cause there's a number of questions involved in the guy. I
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mean, if he was the last guy in the world, how'd he get a dime
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to call the FBI? There are plenty of people that aren't the last
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guys that can't get dimes. He comes along and he gets a dime.
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I mean, if he had to bum a dime to call the FBI, how was he
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gonna serve dinner for all of those people? How could the
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last guy make dinner for all those people. And if he could
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make dinner, and was gonna make dinner, then why did he
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call the FBI?
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They find out all of those questions within two minutes. And
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that's a great thing about America. I mean, this is the only
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country in the world...l mean, well, it's not the only country
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in the world that could find stuff out in two minutes, but it's
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the only country in the world that would take two minutes
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for that guy.
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Other countries would say "Hey, he's the last guy...screw
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him", you know? But in America, there is no discrimination,
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and there is no hypocrisy,'cause they'll get anybody. And that's
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a wonderful thing about America.
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And that's why tonight I'd like to dedicate it to every FBI
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man in the audience. I know you can't say nothin', you know,
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you can't get up and say "Hi!" cause then everybody knows
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that you're an FBI man and that's a drag for you and your
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friends.
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They're not really your friends, are they? I mean, so you can't
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get up and say nothin' 'cause other wise, you gotta get sent
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back to the factory and that's a drag for you and it's an
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expense for the government, and that's a drag for you.
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We're gonna sing you this Christmas carol. It's for all you
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bastards out there in the audience tonight. It's called "The
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Pause of Mr. Claus".
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Why do you sit there so strange?
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Is it because you are beautiful?
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You must think you are deranged
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Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
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You must think Santa Clause weird
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He has long hair and a beard
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Giving his presents for free
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Why do police guys mess with peace guys?
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Let's get Santa Clause 'cause;
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Santa Clause has a red suit
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He's a communist
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And a beard, and long hair
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Must be a pacifist
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What's in the pipe that he's smoking?
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Mister Clause sneaks in your home at night.
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He must be a dope fiend, to put you up tight
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Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
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The Pause of Mr. Claus
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| Arlo Guthrie |
