by Arlo Guthrie
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Wanna hear something? You know that Indians never ate
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clams. They didn't have linguini! And so what happened
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was that clams was allowed to grow unmolested in the
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coastal waters of America for millions of years. And
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they got big, and I ain't talking about clams in
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general, I'm talking about each clam! I mean each one
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was a couple of million years old or older. So imagine
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they could have got bigger than this whole room. And
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when they get that big, God gives them little feet so
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that they could walk around easier. And when they get
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feet, they get dangerous. I'm talking about real
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dangerous. I ain't talking about sitting under the
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water waiting for you. I'm talking about coming after
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you.
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Imagine being on one of them boats coming over to
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discover America, like Columbus or something, standing
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there at night on watch, everyone else is either drunk
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or asleep. And you're watching for America and the
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boat's going up and down. And you don't like it anyhow.
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But you gotta stand there and watch, for what. Only he
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knows, and he ain't watching. You hear the waves
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lapping against the side of the ship. The moon is
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going behind the clouds. You hear the pitter patter of
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little footprints on deck. IS THAT YOU KIDS? IT AIN'T.
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MY GOD. IT'S THIS HUMUNGUS GIANT CLAM!
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Imagine those little feet coming on deck. A clam twice
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the size of the ship. Feet first. You're standing
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there shivering with fear, you grab one of these. This
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is a belaying pin. They used to have these stuck in
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the holes all around the ship ..you probably didn't
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know what this is for; you probably had an idea, but
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you were wrong. They used to have these stuck in the
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holes all along the sides of the ship. Everywhere.
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You wouldn't know what this is for unless you was that
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guy that night.
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I mean, you'd grab this out of the hole, run on over
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there, BAM BAM on them little feet! back into the
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ocean would go a hurt, but not defeated, humungus
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giant clam. Ready to strike again when opportunity
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was better.
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You know not even the coastal villages was safe from
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them big clams. You know them big clams had an inland
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range of about 15 miles. Think of that. I mean our
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early pioneers and the settlers built little houses
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all up and down the coast you know. A little inland
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and stuff like that And they didn't have houses like
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we got now, with bathrooms and stuff. They built little
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privies out back. And late at night, maybe a kid would
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have to go, and he'd go stomping out there in the
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moonlight. And all they'd hear for miles around...
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(loud clap/belch)....one less kid for America. One more
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smiling, smurking, humungus giant clam.
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So Americans built forts. Them forts. You know them
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pictures of them forts with the wooden points all
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around. You probably thought them points was for Indians.
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But that's stupid! 'Cause Indians know about doors. But
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clams didn't. Even if a clam knew about a door, so what?
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A clam couldn't fit in a door. I mean, he'd come stomping
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up to a fort at night, put them feet on them points, jump
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back crying, tears coming out of them everywhere. But
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Americans couldn't live in forts forever. You couldn't
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just build one big fort around America. How would you go
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to the beach?
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So what they did was they formed groups of people. I mean
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they had groups of people all up and down the coast form
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these little alliances. Like up North it was call the
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Clamshell Alliance. And farther down South is was called
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the Catfish Alliance. They had these Alliances all up and
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down the coast defending themselves against these
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threatening monsters. These humungus giant clams. And
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they'd go out there, if there was maybe fifteen of them,
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they'd be singing songs in fifteen part harmony. And when
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one part disappeared, that's how they knew where the clam
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would be.
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Which is why Americans only sing in four part harmony to
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this very day. That proved to be too dangerous. See, what
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they did was they'd be singing these songs called Clam
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Chanties, and they'd have these big spears called clampoons.
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| And they'd be walkin |
