FUNNY GIRL is the life of vaudeville comedienne Fanny Brice (1891-1951),
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starting in 1910. Actually the show starts after she has become a success
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on stage and flashes back to her origins. It opens in Fanny's dressing room.
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She is waiting for her husband, Nick Arnstein, to return after being in prison.
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She looks back to when she was a 19-year old hopeful. Her mother's poker
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buddies think she's wasting her life trying to break into show business.
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[Mrs. Strakosh:]
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Fanny, when people pay good money in the the-ay-ter--
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especially the male element--they want something to look at!
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If a girl isn't pretty
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Like a Miss Atlantic City,
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All she gets in life
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Is pity and a pat.
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[Mrs. Brice:]
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Is a nose with deviation
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Such a crime against the nation?
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Should I throw her into jail
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Or drown the cat?
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[Mrs. Strakosh, O' Malley and Meeker:]
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She must shine in ev'ry detail
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Like a ring you're buying retail,
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Be a standard size that
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Fits a standard dress.
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[Mrs. Strakosh:]
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When a girl's incidentals
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Are no bigger than two lentils
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[Mrs. Strakosh, O' Malley and Meeker:]
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Then to me that doesn't spell success.
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Fanny auditions for Keeney's Music Hall but Keeney kicks
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her out of the chorus because she doesn't look like the
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others. Eddie Ryan, dance director for Keeney, agrees:
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[Eddie:]
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If a girl isn't pretty
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Like a Miss Atlantic City,
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She should dump the stage
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And try another route.
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Any guy who pays a quarter
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For a seat just feels he oughter
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See a figger that his wife can't
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Substitute.
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Kid, my heart ain't made of marble
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But your rhythm's really horr'ble
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And that map of yours just ain't no
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Valentine.
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Everything you got's about right,
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But the damn thing don't come out right
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So forget it, kid,
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And just resign.
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[Chorus:]
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If a girl isn't pretty,
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If a girl isn't pretty,
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If a girl isn't pretty,
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If a girl isn't pretty,
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If a girl isn't pretty,
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She should get a job,
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Go get a job--
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Get any job
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Get a weekly pay,
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'Cause if a girl isn't pretty
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Like a Miss Atlantic City,
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She's a real Miss Nobody, U.S.A.
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If A Girl Isn't Pretty
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Barbra Streisand |