Ray's guitar broke. No, we won't play Rawhide, won't play anything.
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We'll play the theme from the Dinah Shore show.
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Who wants to be Dinah Shore? Who's alter-ego is Dinah Shore?
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Oh, his fists didn't go up so quickly this time. Yawn...yawn..yawn.
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Put those headphones on, it's be-bop time.
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I want to tell you a story about the last time I was in Portland.
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The night before we played at the Long Goodbye.
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I was walking on the street about 10:30 at night.
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A lot of people go to bed around here at 10:30 at night.
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And well, I was walking along when suddenly these jocks in this
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bright blue pickup drove up. It had KC lights, tractor tires,
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everything but the CB. It was a life-size Hot Wheels car for some dumb rich kid,
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right. Well, they drove up to me
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and they yelled what dumb rich kids usually yell, "Hey, faggot,"
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and showered me with some water.
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So, I stood there thinking, what a bunch of fuckheads and picked up a rock.
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Now, I waited, walked down about a block to
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where the Kentucky Fried Chicken is, on Burnside,
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and sure enough they drove around again.
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They said, "Hey, faggot, where's the nearest McDonald's?" I said,
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"I don't know" and they squirted me again.
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So I threw the rock and put a nice-size dent in their giant Hot Wheels car.
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They screached to a halt in the parking lot of some department store,
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who's name I don't remember, it's up the street from Fred Meyer,
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and they got out their clubs and they ran after me, yelling,
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"We're gonna kill you, you god damn faggot, we're gonna kill you,
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you motherfucker."
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So I got in a phonebooth by the Kentucky Fried Chicken on Burnside,
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held my legs straight out like this so they couldn't open the door
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to the phonebooth. So they began charging the phonebooth,
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beating on it with their club, yelling,
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"We're gonna kill you, you motherfucker, we're gonna kill you,
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you god damn faggot." I just looked at them.
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So, there was a crowd gathering by this time
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and these kids were standing nearby and they said,
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"Oh, look at him, he's insane." I thought, ah-hah, here's my way out.
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I yelled at them, "Take me to a mental hospital right away.
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I wanna be be put away.
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Please put me away, c'mon, call the cops and put me away.
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Please put me away now."
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They said, "Alright, faggot, we're calling the police." So they called the police.
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The cop comes out and I go, ah, my savior, I'm away from these jocks.
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He opens up the door, "Get out of there, you,"
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throws me up against the car, frisks me, shoves me in the back.
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Then he goes over to the jocks, "Now what happened here?
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It looks like we're going have to take him to jail
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but we got to have the full story first"
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So the jocks, who had an ace in the hole, ace in the hole
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Take down on the bass, a little bit down on the bass. Yeah,
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ace in the hole, and they go, "Well, goddammit,
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the motherfucker put a dent in my truck, a $5000 truck, right,
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so I got my club, I went out and I wanted to kill him.
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I want to kill him. Let me kill him, goddammit.
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Let me kill him."
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So the cop made them go home, and he drove me home,
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and he confiscated their club and my rock as further evidence.
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And I thought, so this is Oregon, huh? Tolerent Oregon?
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Ray, are you done with your guitar yet? He isn't done yet.
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So what else do you want to hear, I'm out of stories.
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That's a true story, too. Just ask Bruce Loose.
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-----------------
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Night Of The Living Rednecks
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Dead Kennedys |