I remember the rosary, the Catechism, the stations of the cross,
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The plenary indulgence, and I know it isn¡¯t this.
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Depression and nightmares and panic through and through.
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Although I¡¯ve been successful there¡¯s always more to do.
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There are many things I know I¡¯ve done to help me to survive,
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But I will never tell anyone as long as I¡¯m alive.
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There¡¯s times it seems there¡¯s no way out, not any to escape,
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Because of abuse and turmoil, and trauma, and of rape.
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I feel eyes upon me every minute of the day,
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Hiding all aroud me, I turn my head away.
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I¡¯ve seen them in my bedroom when I¡¯m exhausted and I¡¯m done,
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I¡¯ve been seein em for years now, but I¡¯ve never told anyone.
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I¡¯m walkin into doors and walls cuz I¡¯m not at all there,
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I¡¯ve split from a reality, of what I didn¡¯t want to share.
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I can tune out of conversations and with what the outside world is.
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And sex just didn¡¯t matter in my relationships.
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You can¡¯t rely on feelings when love and trust is first betrayed.
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I entered sexual situations I didn¡¯t even really want to make.
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Cause I was anxious I was bored, any non-sexual need.
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When abuse is matched with affection or protection it misleads.
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I say drop what you do and listen, cause now it¡¯s me that calls the shots.
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This is the sign of a life, of out of control adults.
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I sometimes drink to oblivion, in spite of what I know.
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I sometimes create chaos, anywhere I go.
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Always anxious, always have to move to help me to forget,
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feelings of little value, or of humiliation yet.
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Because there was no one there for me, I expect people to leave.
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So I repeatedly test them, this is what you¡¯ve done to me.
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I know the way I¡¯ve overworked myself has turned out positively
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And many other people don¡¯t have my opportunities,
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but goodness yeah, you can make it,
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You are well on your way to heal,
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Because you already know it,
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and you already know the deal.
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You are not alone this is sadism,
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and this is not your fault.
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And who would choose to live through this,
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no it is not yours at all,
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and you know that this was given to you,
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so let¡¯s put it out of your home.
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And you know that this is not yours,
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And you are not alone.
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Not Alone
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The Tossers |