Father: Well Ryan, tomorrow's a big day. Your mom's coming home from the hospital with your new baby sister.
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Ryan : baby sister
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Father: That's right, baby sister.
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Ryan : baby sister
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Father: So, uh, I think now is the time for us to go over some safety rules for when you're around your new baby sister.
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Ryan : saftey rules
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Father: Okay, rule number one: Always wash your hands before touching the baby.
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Ryan : wash hands
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Father: Do you know why?
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Ryan : no
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Father: Well, because sometimes you have germs on your hands and germs are bad for the baby cause they can make the baby sick.
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Ryan : germs make baby sick
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Father: That's right, that's right, Ryan. Germs make baby sick.
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Ryan : germs make the baby sick
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Father: Okay, rule number two.
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Ryan : more rules
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Father: Don't feed the baby anything.
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Ryan : don't feed the baby.
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Father: That's right.
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Ryan : why?
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Father: Well, because the baby needs to eat special baby food.
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Ryan : why?
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Father: Oh...well, other food is bad for the baby.
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Ryan : other food bad for the baby
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Father: That's right, good. Now, rule number three.
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Ryan : more rules
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Father: Never take hot water near the baby because hot water will burn the baby.
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Ryan : water bad for the baby
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Father: Well, not all water, just hot water,
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Ryan : yes
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Father: Cause hot water will burn the baby.
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Ryan : i don't understand, daddy
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Father: Okay, see this glass of water that I'm drinking?
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Ryan : yes
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Father: Well, this water is okay for the baby.
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Ryan : yes
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Father: Here, touch the glass.
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Ryan : yes
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Father: See, it's nice and cool.
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Ryan : yes
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Father: Now if this was hot water that would be bad because hot water can burn the baby.
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Ryan : hot water burn baby?
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Father: Yes, hot water burn baby.
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Ryan : hot water burn baby
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Father: Yes, yes, hot water burn baby.
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Ryan : hot water burn your baby
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Father: Yes.
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Ryan : baby can't go in swimming pool?
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Father: Oh no, the swimming pool is okay. Swimming pool water is cool.
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Ryan : yes
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Father: That's alright.
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Ryan : yes
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Father: But the jacuzzi is bad because that water is hot and hot water will burn the baby.
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Ryan : hot water burn the baby
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Father: Yes.
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Ryan : hot water burn the baby
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Father: Yes. Now say you made a cup of tea, would you take that near the baby?
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Ryan : yea, baby like tea
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Father: No Ryan, uh, I don't think you get it yet.
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Ryan : baby no like tea?
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Father: Well, I'm sure the baby will like tea, but what do you make tea with?
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Ryan : ...hot water
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Father: Right, and what did we say about hot water?
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Ryan : ...oh, hot water burn baby
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Father: Yes, hot water burn baby!
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Ryan : hot water burn baby!
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Father: That's right so no tea near the baby.
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Ryan : hot water burn baby
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Father: Yes.
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Ryan : baby no take bath?
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Father: No, bath water is warm. Warm is okay.
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Ryan : yes
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Father: Hot is bad.
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Ryan : yes...hot water burn baby
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Father: Yes, hot water burn baby.
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Ryan : hot water burn baby
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Father: I think you're gettin' it!
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Ryan : hot water burn baby
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Father: That's right, Ryan.
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Ryan : hot water burn baby
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Father: NOW DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT!
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Narrator: 30 year later!
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Wife : Hey, Ryan, what are you doing out there?
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Ryan : Just watchin' the discovery channel.
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Wife : Well, dinner's gonna be ready in about five minutes.
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Ryan : Aw, great baby, aight, I'll be in in a few momentos. Lemme just wind down...(garbled)
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Wife : Okay, honey!
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Ryan : Yeah.
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TV : The villagers of Pasquan
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Ryan : Pasquan
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TV : have a very bizarre and painful way of welcoming their infants into the community.
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Ryan : (garbled)
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TV : Unfortunately, the death rate from this ritual is a mortifying 90 percent.
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Ryan : My God.
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TV : That explains the Pasquan's low population.
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Ryan : Yeah, it does.
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TV : On the first full moon of Autumn, all the Pasquanian mothers wrap their new-borns in traditional hand painted deerskin,...
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Ryan : Deerskin.
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TV : ...which have been passed along from generation to generation.
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Ryan : That's nice.
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TV : The entire Pasquan population then forms a circle on the sacred battlefield of Chin-Chara.
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Ryan : ya-yara
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TV : Each Pasquanian baby is then passed, hand to hand, around the circle...
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Ryan : Wow.
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TV : ...four times.
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Ryan : Four times.
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TV : Once for the sun,...
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Ryan : Hmm.
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TV : ...once for the moon,...
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Ryan : The moon.
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TV : ...once for the earth,...
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Ryan : The earth.
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TV : ...and once for the wind.
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Ryan : The wind, too.
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TV : When the babies arrive back in their mother's hands, they are marched, in procession, to the Pasquanian natural hot springs...
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Ryan : What?
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TV : ...where the ceremonial purification will be completed.
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Ryan : What are you saying here?
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TV : As we watch, the mothers take their progeny out of the deerskin shells...
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Ryan : No.
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TV : ...and dunk them into the steaming water.
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Ryan : No! No! Hot water burn baby! Hot water burn baby!
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Father: That's right, Ryan. Hot water burn baby.
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Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
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Wife : Ryan! What's going on out there? Are you okay?
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Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
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Father: Hot water burn most definitely burn baby.
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Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
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Father: That's right, Ryan. Hot water burn baby!
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Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
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Father: You are a bitch, Ryan!
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Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
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Wife : Ryan, are you alright?
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Father: Hot water burn the baby!
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Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
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Wife : Ryan!
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Father: What are you gonna do, whore?
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Wife : Ryan!
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Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
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Father: Bitch!
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Wife : Ryan! What's going on out there?
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Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
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Father: Whore!
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Wife : Who are you talking to?
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Father: Bitch!
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Ryan : I'm talking to the man!
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Father: Whore!
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Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
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Wife : Ryan!
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Father: Bitch! Ryan is a whore!
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-----------------
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Hot Water Burn Baby
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| Adam Sandler |
