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Now, you wanna talk about bladder problems, then the man you wanna talk
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to will probably be my cousin Earl. I guess you all know Earl. He
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lives out on Route 13 out on that maggot farm. Earl don't like it when
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you get his maggot farm confused with a worm farm. A worm farm is for
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worms, and a maggot farm is for maggots, and Earl's got the biggest
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maggots in the state. Three feet long. Of course, now Earl pleads this
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might be due to the fact that St. Smizzen's Medical Facility has been
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dumping their waste on his property. Interesting thing about three-foot
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maggots in that ... well, one day the china disappeared, and the next
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day the television disappeared, and a few days after that, his '57 Chevy
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disappeared. But there they are - the world's biggest maggots.
|
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Anyway, one day, Earl and I were standing in the kitchen - giant maggots
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crawling across the floor - and Earl turns to me and he says, "Did you
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ever go to make a pork sausage, and find that it's got hairs all over
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it?" And he gives me a look that still chills me to this day.
|
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Now, Earl's got a son, and they call him Earl Junior. Which I think is
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pretty clever, since he is Earl's son. He's not really a normal boy.
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Ever since that tractor accident. Anyway, he ran up $5,000 in 976 phone
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bills. He called weird, unnatural numbers, like 976-PIGG with two G's,
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and "976-SHEEP." Which has five letters in it, I know. He's a sick
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boy. Earl suggested that, well, maybe I talk to him. So I went into
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his bedroom, and I sat him down, but before I could say a word, Earl
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Junior looked at me, and he said, "Did ya ever go to make a pork
|
sausage, and find it's got hairs all over it?" And he gave me a look
|
that chills me to this day.
|
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Now, Earl's got a daughter, and they call her Effie-Sue. And Effie-Sue
|
- she don't look so much like a little girl, as she looks like a ... a
|
big pile of fungus. Earl blames this, too, on the fact that St.
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Smizzen's Medical Facility has been dumping on his maggot farm. I never
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had much contact with Essie, Effie-Sue. Excuse me, I don't even think
|
that much of her to get her name right. I never had much contact with
|
her. She just normally just sits on the couch like a little ball of
|
fungus and just boils away. But one day, she looked at me. And that
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little ball of fungus opened its mouth - or what I guess was its mouth,
|
I'd hate to think what else it could be - and out of that orifice
|
floated the words, "Did ya ever go to make a pork sausage and find it's
|
got hair all over it?", and then that, that little ball of fungus gave
|
me a look that chills me to this day.
|
|
Now, Earl's got a wife, and we call her Wife. We don't know her name,
|
because she's never really said that much. For the longest time, we
|
thought she could only say two words. Which were "dog" and "pussy." We
|
thought that meant "dog" and "cat," but then we found out that what she
|
was really trying to say was "dog-pussy," one big hyphenated word.
|
Which doesn't come up much in conversation, especially amongst
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Baptists. We never heard her say anything other than that. You know,
|
she works down at St. Smizzen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage
|
Distillery. Got a good-paying job there, although she only does say
|
those - well that one word. And we have heard her say another thing
|
once, but that was a long time ago. We were sitting around the house, and
|
she looked at me, and she said, "Do you ever go to make a pork sausage,
|
and find that it's got hairs growing all over it?", and she gave me a
|
look that chills me to this day.
|
|
Now, one day, Earl took his whole family fishing down in Miller's
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Creek. He took his wife, who could only say "dog-pussy." He took his
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son, Earl Junior, who took the day off from calling 976 barnyard
|
numbers. And he took that little ball of fungus daughter, Effie-Sue, of
|
his along with him. They all got in a little boat and they started
|
fishing. Now St. Smizzen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery
|
has been known to dump their stuff into Miller's Creek. All sorts of
|
heinous stuff, big barrels floatin' in the creek, with little things on
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them that say "St. Smizzen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage
|
Distillery." Anyway, Earl was fishing, and he caught a wall-eyed bass,
|
which had twenty-seven eyes on it. It was a twenty-seven-eyed wall-eyed
|
bass. Earl looked at it, and decided, "Mmmm, wouldn't this be good to
|
eat!" So he took out his knife to cut it open. But that fish looked up
|
at him, and it said, "Please, mister! Please, don't eat me!" And Earl
|
said, "But I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I work on a maggot farm! My wife
|
can only say 'dog-pussy!' My daughter is a pile of fungus! My son
|
spent all his college money calling 976 numbers! I have to eat you!"
|
And that fish said, "Please, don't eat me! mister, please!" And he
|
said, "I have to! I have to!" So the fish said, "Alright then, if
|
you're gonna cut me open, let me ask you one question: Didja ever go to
|
eat a pork sausage and find that it's got hairs growing all over it?"
|
And then, all twenty-seven eyes stared back at Earl. And they stared
|
back at his wife who could only say "dog-pussy." And they stared back
|
at his weird 976 animal-calling son. And they stared back at that
|
little pile of pus that passes for Earl's daughter. And they gave them
|
a look! All twenty-seven eyes gave them a look! A look that they would
|
not forget until this very day!!
|
|
Ah, man!
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|
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-----------------
|
BIT 5
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| Dead Milkmen |
