I'm happily married with a house and three mistresses
|
Even with the beard I'm not as hairy as my sister is
|
Got a new Hummer, two Ferraris, and some Lexuses
|
And all the girls I know got the big big breasteses
|
I got a ten story mansion on the beach
|
With a swimmin' pool filled up with the drool of Robin Leach
|
Richer than a Twinkie, I got so much cash
|
That to me Paris Hilton is poor white trash
|
I take forty-seven weeks of vacation a year
|
If people piss me off I can make 'em disappear
|
Every time I sneeze I get a feature on the news
|
The reporter says "gesundheit" and hilarity ensues
|
And how did I get to be the man that I am?
|
A god among men, only without the tan
|
It's simple, every time I have to make a choice
|
I just listen to my little inner voice, and he says
|
"Shave all the hair off your butt and glue it to your nostrils"
|
OK
|
"Steal all the milk from all the supermarkets and put it
|
back in the cows"
|
Alright
|
"Find out which species of rodent is the most flammable"
|
OK
|
"Let's see what fun crafts we can make using only a chainsaw
|
and Regis Philbin"
|
Yeah!
|
|
So how do I explain my little cranial expressions
|
Intuition, premonition, or demonic possession?
|
It could be God, an angel, or my dead uncle Paul
|
Or that nasty purple fuzzy thing that lives in my wall
|
Doesn't matter, and to be honest I don't wanna know
|
'Cause thanks to him I've never had to deal with an HMO
|
And I can go show off my rocket powered solid gold Benz
|
I tell ya life is no much nicer with invisible friends
|
"Record an all-banjo Falco tribute album"
|
Done, and done.
|
"Put on a tutu, glue two live wiener dogs to your face, and
|
prance around the subway terminal screaming 'Stop looking at me!'"
|
OK
|
"There's no reason not to have sex with a cheese grater."
|
Hmm, no, I suppose not.
|
"Set up a stand outside of K-Mart with a plate full of frozen peas
|
and a sign reading 'Take one!' If anyone asks you what the hell
|
your doing, give them a button that says 'I asked about the peas!'"
|
|
He's become my best friend, sticks with me to the end
|
Thanks to him I'll never live on Ramen noodles again
|
And he's always by my side, every minute, every hour
|
Though it does get kinda creepy when I'm trying to take a shower
|
Still I can't complain 'cause he made me rich
|
And figured out it was the opossum milk that made me itch
|
If it seems weird remember the voice made me do it
|
I don't question what he says I just get up and get to it
|
"Itemize everything in your cat's litter box for the next seven years
|
and mail a report to the President with a note saying 'Here!'"
|
Good idea
|
"It's time to find out what urinal cakes taste like"
|
If you say so
|
"Get a black and white horizontally striped suit, a mask,
|
and a bowling ball with a small length of rope hanging from it,
|
and tiptoe around the airport."
|
Sounds like fun
|
"How old does a baby need to be before it's too big
|
to fit down the toilet?"
|
I don't know. Let's find out.
|
"Keep swallowing magnets until your farts can erase video tapes."
|
Will do
|
|
So to that guy in my head I just wanna say thanks
|
For removin' my angst, so I'm no longer shootin' blanks
|
And now I own several banks, plus an inflatable watch
|
And paid Justin Timberlake to let me kick him in the crotch
|
I followed his advice and now I'm makin' major duckets
|
If it wasn't for him I'd still be processing McNuggets
|
So when life makes you feel like you should've stayed in bed
|
Just listen to the voice in your head, and he'll say
|
"Fat people are full of toys. Go get some!"
|
Yeah!
|
"Build a 20 foot tall nude statue of Tony Goldmark licking
|
warm margarine off a malnourished dolphin out of onions,
|
pez, and lint."
|
With pleasure!
|
"If Yanni didn't want to be set on fire and shoved down
|
a flight of stairs, surely he would have said so explicitly by now."
|
Yeah, I guess so.
|
"Go to a McDonald's Playland, tie that big Officier Big Mac
|
thing to the back of your car, and drive away at 90 mph. When a
|
cop pulls you over, roll down the window and indignantly ask 'WHAT?'"
|
You got it!
|
"Move to New Jersey and become a comedy rap artist."
|
Oh... do I have to?
|
|
-----------------
|
Inner Voice
|
| Adam Sandler |
