I was having a bad week ? I crashed the car and the cat carked it
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Weighed myself outside Woolies and I’d put on 4 kilos
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Arranged to meet an old friend for coffee
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I poured my heart out ? told her all about
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Poor dead fluffy, and the bloody car, and did she think I should go on a diet?
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She studied my face, trying to frame the words to say
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Just the right blend of sympathy and advice
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She took a big breath.
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And looked into my eyes and she said:
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You should go on Australian Idol!
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Even if you don’t win, you’ll have a great time.
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Don’t worry that you don’t look like a supermodel
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They’re even letting fatties on there now so you should be fine.
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I said ‘Thanks, I feel a lot better now’
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Then I erased her number from my phone
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I didn’t know how much we’d grown apart.
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The very next day was my birthday.
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No one called, except my grandma
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And she was drunk, she just needed a lift home from the pub
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Then that Sunday night, I went to dinner with my rellies
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They said ‘Happy Birthday! Do you mind if we put the tv on?
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It’s nearly the final of Australian Idol and
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You should go on Australian Idol
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You’re much prettier than her ? she looks like a pudding
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‘You’ll win it no worries love’ said my uncle
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And I just turned and looked at him like he was something that I stood in.
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And don’t get me wrong ? if I turn on the tv and it’s on
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I can’t stop watching. Even with the ads
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Even with those two dickheads blabbing on between songs
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I love to see their spirits crushed, their egos shattered
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I love the ones that really suck in the first auditions
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I love to watch them sob, their dreams in tatters
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And I laugh while I eat my dinner
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They’re crying in their 5-star hotel, and I’m cackling on my cack-brown couch
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And it’s not that I am jealous, I’m not jealous, I’m not jealous.
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The next Sunday, I had a pretty bad hangover
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Feeling pretty grumpy
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Sitting on the couch, eating Pringles feeling sorry for myself.
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I flipped to Channel 10 and before I knew it I was watching a really short guy
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Singing that really annoying song by Craig David.
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Suddenly I rose to my feet ? it must have been divine intervention
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I saw the light in front of me, and I screamed!
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Why am I watching Australian Idol? (God!)
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Am I really reduced to this pitiful state? Jesus!
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I may as well just head down to my local karaoke bar
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Or better still just change to SBS.
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You better believe it ? I changed to SBS
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So Marcia, Dicko, whatever your name is…
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Shove it up your ass!
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-----------------
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Australian Idol
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| Kate Miller-Heidke |
