The One Where Chandler Takes a BathThe One Where Chandler Takes a Bath
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Written by: Vanessa McCarthy
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Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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With Help From: Dan Gottleib
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[Scene: Joey and Rachel¡¯s, Joey is at the counter eating a bowl of Frosted
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Flakes.]
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Joey: (thinking) All right. It¡¯s a new day. All that stuff about Rachel, you
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don¡¯t feel that now. It was crazy! You¡¯re fine. You¡¯re better than fine! You
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are, as your friend Tony would say, Grrrreat! Everything¡¯s normal! She¡¯s just
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your friend Rachel! Your friend Rachel. Your friend! Rachel.
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Rachel: (coming from her room) Hi, sweetie.
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Joey: (thinking) Hey, it¡¯s your girlfriend, Rachel!
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Opening Credits
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[Scene: Monica and Chandler¡¯s, Chandler is sitting on the couch watching TV as
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Monica comes out of the bathroom.]
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Monica: (airily) Hi.
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Chandler: Are you, are you high?
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Monica: I just had the most amazing bath.
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Chandler: Really? I don¡¯t like baths.
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Monica: Wait, you like them with me.
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Chandler: Honey, it¡¯s not the bath I enjoy, it¡¯s the wet, naked lady.
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Monica: Oh, baths are so relaxing!
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Chandler: Really? What do you do? You just sit in there stewing in your own
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filth.
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Monica: How dirty do you think I am? I¡¯m telling you, if you had some candles
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and some bubbles and some music, you would love it! It would take all of your
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stress away.
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Chandler: Honey, it¡¯s 2:00 on a Wednesday and I¡¯m watching Road Rules, how
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stressed do you think I am?
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Joey: (entering) Hey, Chandler, you got a minute? I-I really need to talk to
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you.
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Chandler: Oh! Uh, yeah! Is this a cold pizza talk or a leftover meatloaf talk?
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Joey: Well, neither.
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Chandler: Oh my God, what¡¯s up?!
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Joey: I don¡¯t know. It¡¯s-it¡¯s just¡¦lately, I¡¯ve been feeling¡¦ Okay, here¡¯s what
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it is¡¦ (Pause) You know what? I feel a lot better, thanks! (Starts to leave)
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Chandler: Oh no-no, no you don¡¯t, just come back.
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Joey: All right. Okay. You and Monica, friends for a long time, and sure there
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are rules, but then you went to London. Oh, no, but that¡¯s different. I mean,
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there are rules there, too! You know what I mean?
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Chandler: Do you?
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Joey: It was different for you guys! I mean, I mean, you were both in the same
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place, right?
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Chandler: In London?
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Joey: Yeah.
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Chandler: Yes. When Monica and I were in London, we were both in London.
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Joey: You know what? This is a bad idea. Forget it. Forget it, and listen, do me
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a favor, this conversation was between you and me.
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Chandler: If that.
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[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Ross sits
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down.]
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Rachel: Hi! Oh, Ross, don¡¯t forget, we have that doctor¡¯s appointment tomorrow!
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Ross: Right.
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Phoebe: Hey, are you going to find out the sex of the baby?
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Ross: No-no, we talked about it. We don¡¯t want to know. All we care about is
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that it¡¯s happy and healthy.
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Rachel: Yep! Happy and healthy! And cute!
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Ross: And smart!
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Rachel: Popular.
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Ross: With an aptitude for science.
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Phoebe: Are you two talking about the same baby? Hey! Have you started off
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thinking of names yet?
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Rachel: Oh yeah! I¡¯ve come up with a bunch of ideas!
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Ross: Really? Me too!
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Phoebe: Me too!
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Rachel: Really?!
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Phoebe: Uh huh! If it¡¯s a girl, Phoebe, and if it¡¯s a boy, Phoebo!
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Ross: Maybe. But it wouldn¡¯t hurt to have a backup, you know? Uh, Rach-Rach,
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what were you thinking? (Gives her a look)
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Rachel: Okay! I was thinking if it¡¯s a girl, how about Sandrine? It¡¯s French.
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Ross: Huh. That¡¯s a really pretty name for-for an industrial solvent.
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Rachel: Okay fine, what do you have?
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Ross: Well, OK, it¡¯s for a boy. Well, I know it¡¯s a little out there,
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but¡¦Darwin.
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Rachel: Wow, oh my God, our child will be beaten to death in the schoolyard.
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Phoebe: Yeah, by Sandrine.
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Ross: You¡¯re just saying that 'cause I said no to your name!
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Rachel: I¡¯m really, really not.
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Phoebe: How-how about you each get five vetoes?
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Ross: All right.
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Rachel: All right.
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Ross: That sounds fair.
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Rachel: Yeah! I don¡¯t think you¡¯re going to need it though. Okay, check this
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out. If it¡¯s a girl, Rain.
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Ross: Veto.
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Rachel: Why?
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Ross: Rain? Hi. Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln, and my dress is made
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out of wheat.
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Phoebe: I know her! I bought homemade soap from her at a Dead show!
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Ross: Okay, how about, for a guy, Thatcher?
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Rachel: Ross, why do you hate our child?
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Ross: Fine, you go.
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Rachel: Okay, James.
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Ross: Huh.
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Rachel: But only if it¡¯s a girl.
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Ross: Oh, veto. How about—Ooh, I like Ruth! What about Ruth?
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Rachel: Oh! I¡¯m sorry! Are we having an 89-year-old? How about Dayton?
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Ross: Veto. Stewart?
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Rachel: Veto. Sawyer?
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Ross: Veto. Helen?
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Rachel: Veto.
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Phoebe: Is it me, or is veto starting to sound really good?
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[Scene: Monica and Chandler¡¯s, Monica comes from the bathroom as Chandler
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enters.]
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Chandler: Hey.
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Monica: Boy, do I have a surprise for you!
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Chandler: Sex on the balcony?
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Monica: No, but someone¡¯s really not going to get over that idea, are they?
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Chandler: What is it?
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Monica: I drew you a bath!
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Chandler: Honey, I don¡¯t like baths! Could you draw me a picture of us having
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sex on the balcony?
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Monica: Please, could you just try it for me? Come on, I used all my best stuff!
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I-I-I lit some candles. I put on some music. I used bath salts, plus bubble
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bath! And got you this little plastic Navy ship. So it¡¯s a boy bath!
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Chandler: Well, this does butch it up a bit.
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Monica: I swear, if you try it, you will love it!
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Chandler: All right, if I do this, can we at least discuss sex on the balcony?
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Monica: Absolutely.
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(Chandler runs into the bathroom)
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Monica: Bet I know how that discussion¡¯s going to go.
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[Cut to Chandler laying in the bathtub. "Only Time," is playing in the
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background.]
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Chandler: (thinking) All right, this isn¡¯t so bad. I like the flower smell!
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Which is okay, because I¡¯ve got my boat.
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Monica: (entering) So?
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Chandler: Oh my God.
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Monica: I told you you were a bath person! Hey, when you get out, maybe I can
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give you a facial!
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Chandler: I¡¯m going to need a bigger boat.
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[Scene: The Doctor¡¯s Office, the doctor is writing something as Rachel is on the
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table, and Ross is standing.]
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Ross: I don¡¯t think you had an open mind about the name Ruth. I mean, come on,
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little Ruthie Geller, how-how cute is that?
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Rachel: Oh, oh my God! I can practically hear the mahjong tiles!
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Dr. Long: Okay! All your tests look fine. Now, are you two interested in knowing
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the sex of the baby?
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Ross: Uh, no. No, we¡¯re not.
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Rachel: But you have it right there in that file? You could tell us whether it¡¯s
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a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo?
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Dr. Long: That¡¯s right. But if you don¡¯t want to know¡¦
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Ross: No, no, we want to wait, right?
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Rachel: Right. Right.
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Dr. Long: (looks at her beeping pager) Oh, I¡¯ll be right back. And, uh, I know
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it¡¯s really not my place, but please don¡¯t name your child Phoebo.
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Rachel: (looking at the bulletin board with baby pictures) So, which of these
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babies do you think is the ugliest?
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Ross: What? Rach! Come on, that¡¯s terrible! They¡¯re¡¦uh¡¦they¡¯re babies.
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They¡¯re-they¡¯re all beautiful.
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Rachel: Third one from the left?
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Ross: Yeah, why is it staring at me? I think it knows I¡¯m talking about it.
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(Rachel starts to peek at the file) Don¡¯t-don¡¯t you—Wh—Wha—Hey!!
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Rachel: What?!
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Ross: You¡¯re looking!
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Rachel: I didn¡¯t!
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Ross: I saw you!
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Rachel: Okay fine, I did. But I didn¡¯t see anything, I swear.
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Ross: Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!
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Rachel: Okay, but Ross just listen to me¡¦
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Ross: No, no, no, no! Don¡¯t tell me! I don¡¯t want to know!
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Rachel: But I couldn¡¯t even if I wanted to, because I don¡¯t know! I swear; I
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didn¡¯t see anything, and I don¡¯t want to know! It was just a momentary lapse.
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Ross: Momentary lapse. Don¡¯t-don¡¯t you have any self-control?
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Rachel: (holding stomach) Okay, a couple months late on the lecture, Ross.
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[Scene: Chandler and Monica¡¯s, Monica is entering.]
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Monica: Hello?
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Chandler: I¡¯m in the bathroom, can you come in here? I think there¡¯s something
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wrong.
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Monica: You know what? I-I think I¡¯ll wait out here.
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Chandler: I¡¯m in the bathtub.
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Monica: Oh. (She goes into the bathroom.) What¡¯s wrong?
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Chandler: I drew my own bath, but I did it wrong! The water¡¯s tepid. The salt
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didn¡¯t dissolve and is now¡¦ lodged places. And the scents I used don¡¯t
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compliment each other. Eucalyptus and chamomile—Oh!
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Monica: What?
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Chandler: The bath salts! They¡¯re starting to effervesce! It¡¯s different.
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(Pause) It¡¯s interesting.
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Monica: Okay, let¡¯s talk about something else.
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Chandler: Yeah! Sure, sure. So, what was going on with you today? Oh-oh-oh!
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Monica: Well, I actually had the weirdest conversation with Joey. He was talking
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about rules and right and wrong and¡¦
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Chandler: I had the exact same conversation.
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Monica: You did? What was he talking about?
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Chandler: I don¡¯t know! Joey hasn¡¯t had this much trouble getting out words
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since we saw him in Macbeth!
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Monica: (groans) That was a long night.
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Chandler: All right, let¡¯s break this down. What exactly did he say to you?
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Monica: Okay, he was talking about rules.
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Chandler: Uh-huh.
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Monica: Umm, and looking at people differently.
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Chandler: He didn¡¯t say anything about that to me.
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Monica: What did he tell you?
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Chandler: He was asking all these questions about you, me, and London. And, of
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course the glue that holds this all together, the rules.
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Monica: Okay. So you, me and London. Looking at people differently. Maybe he
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wants to do what you and I did in London with someone.
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Chandler: But what did he mean by rules?
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Monica: Wait a minute! He stopped talking the minute Phoebe came in!
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Chandler: Because he was looking at her differently.
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Monica: And Phoebe is his friend, so he thinks that would be breaking the rules!
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Chandler: My God! He wants to do it with Phoebe in London!
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Phoebe: (from outside the bathroom) You guys?
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Monica: Just a minute! (To Chandler) That¡¯s Mrs. Tribbiani!
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Chandler: You don¡¯t say anything.
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Monica: Why would I say anything? That two of our best friends could start the
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greatest love affair of their lives! And they would have me to thank, and we
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could all start having babies?
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Chandler: I¡¯m not going to let you say anything.
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Monica: You just stay here! (Dumps a jar of bath salts in the bathtub)
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Chandler: Oh, God!
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(Monica runs out to Phoebe, who is in the kitchen)
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Phoebe: Oh, hey, Monica, I brought back your iron.
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Monica: Oh, you had that?
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Phoebe: Uh-huh.
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Monica: I thought I lost it. I got a new one, like, a month ago.
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Phoebe: Oh, just as well, I broke this one.
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(Monica starts smiling)
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Phoebe: What?
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Monica: Nothing.
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Phoebe: Okay.
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Monica: I mean, I-I, I really shouldn¡¯t say. I mean, I¡¯m really not supposed to.
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Phoebe: Fine.
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Monica: It¡¯s a humdinger!
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Phoebe: Then it¡¯s really too bad that you can¡¯t tell me.
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Monica: Somebody likes you!
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Phoebe: (Groans) Is it Chandler?
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Monica: No!
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Phoebe: Well, then tell him to stop staring!
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Monica: It¡¯s Joey!
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Phoebe: Really?! Joey?! You don¡¯t say.
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Monica: Is it something you¡¯d be interested in?
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Phoebe: I don¡¯t know, I don¡¯t know, I don¡¯t know. You know, I mean, on the one
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hand, Mother may I? But y¡¯know on the other hand¡¦ No. No, I can¡¯t. We¡¯re
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friends. No, oh, no. I don¡¯t want to risk what we have.
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Monica: I guess that makes sense. So, you think you¡¯re going to talk to him?
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Phoebe: Sure, yeah. I mean, it¡¯s Joey. I don¡¯t want him to get hurt. Well, I
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must say, I am on fire! First Chandler, now Joey!
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Monica: Not Chandler, just Joey.
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Phoebe: Sure.
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Commercial Break
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[Scene: Central perk, Ross is sitting on the chair as Rachel walks in.]
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Rachel: Hey.
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Ross: Hey.
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Rachel: You know what? I¡¯ve been thinking about it. I¡¯m really coming around on
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the name Ruth. I think I would actually consider naming our child that.
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Ross: Rach, I-I can¡¯t tell you how-how much that means to me! Ohh¡¦ Wait a
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minute. Wait a minute. You-you hated the name Ruth! Why-why would you change
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your mind? Unless, you know we¡¯re never going to have to use it. You did see the
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folder. You know it¡¯s a boy!
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Rachel: I didn¡¯t see anything! I actually changed my mind about the name.
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Ross: I don¡¯t think so! You¡¯re just giving me Ruth so you¡¯ll get to name it when
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it¡¯s a boy, and that¡¯s when you¡¯ll swoop in and name him Heath or Blaine or
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Sequoia.
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Rachel: I would—Sequoia?
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Ross: Veto.
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Rachel: Fine.
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Ross: Unless¡¦ (Rachel groans.) You anticipated that I would figure all this out
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and you know that it actually is a girl, and you really do want her to be named
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Ruth! Well, I¡¯m not falling for that! Okay? Ruth is off the table!
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Rachel: But Ross, you want the name Ruth!
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Ross: Not like this!
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[Scene: Rachel and Joey¡¯s, Joey is sitting on his recliner as Phoebe enters.]
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Phoebe: Hey.
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Joey: Hey. Well, what¡¯s up?
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Phoebe: Umm, Joey, I know.
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Joey: What?
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Phoebe: I knooow.
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Joey: Whaaat?
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Phoebe: I know about your feelings.
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Joey: Oh my God. You do?
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Phoebe: Yes, and I¡¯m sorry. I-I know things worked out for Chandler and Monica,
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but that¡¯s very rare.
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Joey: I know. I know. And this is so much more complicated than it was for those
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guys. I mean, it¡¯s Rachel for God sakes.
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Phoebe: For God sakes, it¡¯s Rachel!
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Joey: I know. I know. And she¡¯s not only my friend; she¡¯s my pregnant friend!
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She¡¯s my pregnant friend who¡¯s Ross¡¯ ex!
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Phoebe: Yeah that¡¯s Rachel. (To herself) Beat me over the head with it.
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Joey: What am I going to do? You know, and I keep, I keep trying to get rid of
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these feelings, y¡¯know? I stayed up all last night and made a list of everything
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I don¡¯t like about her. You want to hear it?
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Phoebe: Yeah.
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Joey: She made me switch to light Mayo. That¡¯s it! That¡¯s all I got! And, you
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know what? It tastes the same and my pants fit better!
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Phoebe: Joey, I just think you¡¯re getting worked up over nothing. This is
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probably just a crush.
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Joey: You think?
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Phoebe: Absolutely! Y¡¯know, you get this rush of feelings, but then it goes
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away.
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Joey: Yeah, just a crush! That¡¯s all this is! It¡¯s a crush! I¡¯m Joey; I don¡¯t
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get deep feelings.
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Phoebe: That¡¯s right, there you go! Crushes happen all the time! I know I¡¯ve had
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them for all you guys. Well, except for Ross and Chandler. And I¡¯m sure you¡¯ve
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had them for us.
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Joey: Not really.
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Phoebe: Mm-hmm. (To herself) Throw me a bone here.
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[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as Ross enters.]
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Ross: So, I uh¡¦ I called the doctor and now we both know the sex of the baby.
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Rachel: What?
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Ross: That¡¯s right. The student has become the master.
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Rachel: Ross, I swear, I don¡¯t know.
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Ross: Oh, come on, you know it¡¯s a girl!
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Rachel: A what?!
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Ross: You really didn¡¯t know?
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Rachel: We¡¯re having a girl?
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Ross: No.
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Rachel: That¡¯s what you just said!
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Ross: No.
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Rachel: You said girl!
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Ross: Yes. I¡¯m¡¦ I¡¯m sorry. I¡¯m so sorry.
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Rachel: I¡¯m not! We¡¯re having a girl! Sometimes I can¡¯t believe it¡¯s with
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you—But still! We¡¯re having a girl!
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Ross: I know! I know. You know what? I¡¯m putting Ruth back on the table!
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Rachel: Oh, yes! We¡¯ll have ourselves a little baby Ruth¡¦
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Ross: Permission to veto.
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Rachel: Yes, please.
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[Scene: Monica and Chandler¡¯s, Chandler enters as Monica comes from the
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bathroom.]
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Monica: Hey.
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Chandler: Do I smell essential oils?
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Monica: Yeah, I¡¯m going to take a bath. I¡¯m just going to get a magazine.
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Chandler: Okay.
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(As soon as Monica leaves the room, Chandler takes off his jacket and runs to
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the bathroom. Monica enters the bathroom to find Chandler in the bathtub.)
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Monica: What do you think you¡¯re doing?
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Chandler: L-leaving my troubles behind?
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Monica: I know that you¡¯re new at this, but this is completely unacceptable bath
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decorum.
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Chandler: Oh, it¡¯s so hard to care when you¡¯re this relaxed.
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Monica: Fine, you can have the bath, but I am taking your boat. Now you¡¯re just
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a girl in a tub!
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(Phoebe enters the bathroom)
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Chandler: (upset) Hey!
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Phoebe: Hi, Bubbles. Manly. Well, I just thought I would drop by and let you
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know how it went with Joey.
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Chandler: (To Monica) You told her?!
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Monica: She pulled it out of me! She¡¯s like a conversational wizard! How¡¯d it
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go?
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Phoebe: Well, you were wrong, he doesn¡¯t like me!
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Monica: What?
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Phoebe: Yeah! How would you like it if I sent you to Lee Majors¡¯ house and told
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you that he liked you, and you went down there and you found out that he didn¡¯t
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like you? How would you feel?
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Monica: (Pause) I don¡¯t think I¡¯d care.
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Phoebe: Really? Lee Majors is hot!
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Joey: (from outside the bathroom) Hello?
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Phoebe: We¡¯re in the bathroom!
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Joey: Why?
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Chandler: (sarcastically) Because it¡¯s a relaxing and enjoyable time!
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Joey: (entering the bathroom) What are you guys doing in here?
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Monica: Oh my God! A friend he¡¯s looking at differently, but it¡¯s wrong. It¡¯s
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Rachel!
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Chandler: You like Rachel?!
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Joey: It¡¯s no big deal, okay? Phoebe and I talked about it. It¡¯s just a crush!
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It¡¯s going to go away! (Looks down) Dude, you gotta rearrange your bubbles! Oh!
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Phoebe: (checking for herself) (To Monica) Mazel tov.
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Rachel: (entering) Hey! Ross and I were looking for you! What are we all doing
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in here? (Looks at Chandler) Oh, my! (Covers the spot where Joey wants bubbles
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to be replaced.)
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Monica: Honey, cover it up with the boat!
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Ross: (from outside the bathroom) Hello?
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Chandler: (sarcastically) Yes we¡¯re all in here and we would love for you to
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join us!
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Ross: (entering) Well hey! What¡¯s going on? Ooh, cool boat—(Sees why the boat¡¯s
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there)—Oh, no. (Averts his eyes by looking around the room) (To Rachel) Hey, did
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you, did you tell them?
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Rachel: No, I was waiting for you!
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Phoebe: Tell us what?
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Rachel: We¡¯re having a girl.
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All: Oh, wow! Yay! Wow! Hooray! Oh, man!
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(They all hug and then turn and look at Chandler)
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Chandler: I¡¯ll¡¦I¡¯ll get you later!
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[Scene: Joey and Rachel¡¯s, Joey is sitting at the counter eating Cocoa Puffs.]
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Joey: (thinking) All right. It¡¯s a new day, and it¡¯s just a crush, that¡¯s all!
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Just a little crush! All that worrying I was doing, that was crazy. Crazy! Like
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my friend here the bird would say, "it was cuckoo!" Everything¡¯s going to be
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fine. It¡¯s just a crush.
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Rachel: (entering) Hi, sweetie.
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Joey: (thinking) I love you.
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Closing Credits
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[Scene: Chandler and Monica¡¯s bathroom. Both are sitting on opposite ends of the
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bathtub.]
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Monica: It sure is nice to do this together, isn¡¯t it?
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Chandler: Yeah. And what you¡¯re doing feels so good.
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Monica: I¡¯m not touching you.
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Chandler: You¡¯re not?
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Monica: It¡¯s the salts.
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Chandler: Oh, sweet Lord. New realms of pleasure!
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Monica: (To herself) Whatever keeps you off the balcony, big guy!
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End
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friends 0813
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| friends 0813 |
