Now in the laid back California town of sunny San Raphael
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Lived a girl named Pearly Sweetcake you prob'ly knew her well
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She'd been stoned fifteen of her eighteen years and the story was widely told
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That she could smoke 'em faster than anyone could roll
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Now her legend finally reached New York that Grove Street walk-up flat
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Where dwelt The Calistoga Kid a beatnik from the past
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He'd been rollin' dope since time began, now he took a cultured toke
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And said, "Jim I can roll ¡®em faster than any chick can smoke."
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So a note gets sent to San Raphael for the Championship of the World
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The Kid demands a smoke off. "Well bring him on!" says Pearl
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"I'll grind his fingers off his hands. He'll roll until he drops."
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Says Calistoge, "I'll smoke that chick till she blows up and pops."
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So they rent out Yankee Stadium and the word is quickly spread
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Come one come all who walk or crawl, tickets, just two lids a head
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And from every town and hamlet over land and sea they speed
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The world's greatest dopers with the world's greatest weed
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Hashishers from Morocco, hemp smokers from Peru
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And the Shashnicks from Bagun who puff the deadly Pugaroo
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And those who call it Light of Life and those who call it boo
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See the dealers and their ladies wearing turquoise lace and leather
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See the narcos and the closet smokers puffin' all together
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From the teenies who smoke legal to the ones who've done some time
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To the old man who smoked reefer back before it was a crime
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And the grand old house that Ruth built is filled with the smoke and cries
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Of fifty thousand screaming heads all stoned out of their minds
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And they play the national anthem and the crowd lets out a roar
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As the spotlight hits The Kid and Pearl ready for their smokin' war
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At a table piled up high with grass as high as a mountain peak
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Just tops and buds of the rarest flowers not one stem branch or seed
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I mean-a Maui Wowie, Panama Red, Acapulco Gold
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Kif from East Afghanistan and that rare Alaskan Cold
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And there's sticks from Thailand, Ganja from the Islands and Bangkok's Bloomin' Best
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And some of that wet imported shit that capsized off Key West
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And there's Oaxacan tops and Kenya Bhang and Riviera Fleurs
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And that rare Manhatten Silver that grows down the New York sewers
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And there's bubblin' ice cold lemonade and sweet grapes by the bunches
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And there's Hersheys bars and Oreos ¡®case anybody gets the munchies
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And the Calistoga Kid he smiles and Pearley she just grins
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And the drums roll low, wah, and the crowd yells go, go, go, go
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And the worlds first Smoke Off begins
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Well the Kid flicks his fingers once and zap that first joint's rolled
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Pearl takes one hit with her famous lungs and whoosh that roach is cold
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Then The Kid he rolls his Super Bomb that could paralyze a moose
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And Pearl takes one mighty hit and,(sharp inhaling sound) that bomb's defused
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Then he rolls three in just ten seconds and she smokes 'em up in nine
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And everybody sits back and says, hey, this just might take some time
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See the blur of flyin' fingers, see the red coals burnin' bright
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As the night turns into mornin' and the mornin' fades to night
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And the autumn turns to summer and a whole damn year is gone
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And the two still sit on that roach-filled stage smokin' and rollin' on
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With tremblin hands he rolls his jays, with fingers blue and stiff
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Pearl coughs and stares with bloodshot gaze and puffs through blistered lips
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And there she reaches out her hand for another stick of gold
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The Kid he gasps, "Damn it bitch there's nothin' left to roll!"
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"Nothin' left to roll!" screams Pearl. "Is this some twisted joke?
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I didn't come here to fuck around, man I come here to smoke!"
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And she reaches 'cross the table and grabs his bony sleeves
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And she crumbles his body between her hands like dried and brittle leaves
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Just a flickin' out his teeth and bones, like, like useless stems and seeds
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And then she rolls him in a Zig Zag and lights him like a roach
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| And the fastest man with the fastest hands goes up |
