Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
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You know the place
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well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
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Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
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My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
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Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut
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Every single mornin
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It was driving me crazy
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I said to my mom
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I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"
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And my dear, sweet mother
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She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
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And she leaned right down next to me
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And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"
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And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
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And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old
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That's when I swore that someday
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Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
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Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
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And the towels are oh so fluffy
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Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
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And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel
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Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
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Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
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Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
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To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
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I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
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That's right, a first class one-way ticket to
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Albuquerque
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Albuquerque
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Oh yeah
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You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
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And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
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Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
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And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
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The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
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And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
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And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
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And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
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And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
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Except for me
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You know why?
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'Cause I had my tray table up
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And my seat back in the full upright position
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Had my tray table up
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And my seat back in the full upright position
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Had my tray table up
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And my seat back in the full upright position
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Ah ha ha ha
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Ah ha ha
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Ahhhh
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So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
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I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
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Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
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And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
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And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
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But finally I arived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
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Where the towels are oh so fluffy
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And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
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It's OK, they're clean
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Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
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And I turned on the SpectraVision
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And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
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That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door
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Well now, who could that be?
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I say "Who is it?"
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No answer
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"Who is it?"
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There's no answer
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"WHO IS IT?"
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They're not sayin' anything
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So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
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It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
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Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
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So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
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And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
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"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
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And he's like "Tough"
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And I'm like "Give it"
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And he's like "Make me"
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And I'm like "'Kay"
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So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
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And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
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And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
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Yes indeed, you better believe it
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And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
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And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice
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And you know what it said?
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I'll tel
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Albuquerque
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| Weird Al Yankovic |
