When I was six years old, my sister Alison
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asked for a stove for her birthday.
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A miniature one you could actually could with
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and my mum was nice and she bought one.
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Alison needed a reason to bake something, barged in my room and she grabbed me.
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She said "I made a cake and we're going next door
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to Sam Leinstein's and you're getting married."
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The cake was burnt.
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It tasted gross.
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She made me kiss him.
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On the mouth.
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Now I am 33, I'm married happily,
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no plans in life and I'm planning to keep it
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that way. I do kissing with only one mission;
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do you like to kiss? Then you have my permission.
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And I've already spent too much time
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doing things I didn't want to,
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so if I just wanna make out all the time,
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you can bet your black ass that I'm going to.
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When I was 9, I was kind of a loser,
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the kids in my class didn't like me.
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Melanie Showers; the meanest of all,
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and my mom made me go to her party.
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Nobody talked to me,
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I sat there quietly,
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drawing with crayons on a napkin
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a picture of Melanie, skewered with a pitchfork,
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her legs getting eaten by lions.
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The cake was good
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I took some home
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I had a party
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in my room.
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Now I have friends and I'm not such a loser
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and I go to bars all the time and I sit there
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and I order red wine and I write
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and I like being alone around people,
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yes, that's how I like it.
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And I've already spent too much time
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doing things I didn't want to.
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So if I wanna sit her and write and drink wine,
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you can bet your black ass that I'm going to.
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Yes, I come here often.
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Sure, I'll have another one.
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Yes, I come here often.
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Sure, I'll have another one.
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But I don't have to talk to you!
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When I was seventeen
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I was a blow job queen,
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picking up tips from the masters.
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I was so busy perfecting my art,
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I was clueless to what they were after.
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Now I'm still a blow job queen (far more selectively)
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I don't make love now to make people love me.
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But I don't mind sharing my gift with planet,
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we're all going to die and a blow job's fantastic!
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And when I was 25, I was a rockstar, but it didn't pay too well,
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I had to strip on the side of the road
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to get ready for shows
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and the cars driving by, baby, they'd never know
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what a bargain they'd gotten
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and if I'm forgotten
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I'll be perfectly happy with all that has happened.
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And I still get laughed at, but that doesn't bother me
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I'm just so happy to hear laughter around me.
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And I've already spent too much time
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doing things I didn't want to.
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So if I wanna drink loads and dress like a pirate
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or dress like a dyke and wear high heels and lipstick
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or hide in a convent
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or try to be mayor
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or marry a writer
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smoke crack
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and slash tyres
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make jokes you don't like
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or paint ducks and retire...
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You can bet your black ass that I'm going to.
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-----------------
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Do You Swear To Tell The Truth The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth So Help Your Black Ass
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| Amanda Palmer |
