Now, you wanna talk about bladder problems, then the man you wanna talk
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to will probably be my cousin Earl. I guess you all know Earl; he lives
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out on Route 13 out on that maggot farm. Earl don't like it when you get
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his maggot farm confused with a worm farm. A worm farm is for worms, and
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a maggot farm is for maggots, and Earl's got the biggest maggots in the
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state. Three feet long. Of course, now Earl believes this might be due
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to the fact that St. Smithen's Medical Facility has been dumping their
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waste on his property. Interesting thing about three-foot maggots is
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that... that, well, one day the china disappeared, and then the next
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day his television disappeared, and then a few days after that, his
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'57 Chevy disappeared. But there they are: the world's biggest maggots.
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Anyway, one day, Earl and I were standin' in the kitchen, giant maggots
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crawlin' across the floor, and Earl turns to me, and he says, "Do you
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ever go to make a pork sausage, and find that it's got hairs all over
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it?" and he gives me a look that still chills me to this day.
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Now, Earl's got a son, and they call him Earl Junior, which I think is
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pretty clever, since he is Earl's son. He's not really a normal boy,
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ever since that tractor accident. Anyway, he ran up $5,000 worth of
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"976-" phone bills. He called weird, unnatural numbers, like "976-PIGG"
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with two G's, and "976-SHEEP", which has five letters in it, I know.
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He's a sick boy. Earl suggested that, well, maybe I talk to him. So I
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went into his bedroom, and I sat him down, but before I could say a
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word, Earl Junior looked at me, and he said, "Didja ever go to make a
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pork sausage, and find it's got hairs all over it?" And he gave me a
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look that still chills me to this day.
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Now, Earl's got a daughter, and they call her Effie-Sue. And Effie-Sue,
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she don't look so much like a little girl, as she looks like a... a big
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pile of fungus. Earl blames this, too, on the fact that St. Smithen's
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Medical Facility has been dumpin' on his maggot farm. And, I never had
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much contact with Essie... Effie-Sue. Excuse me, I don't even think
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that much of her to get her name right. I never had much contact with
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her. She just normallyjust sits on the couch like a little ball of
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fungus and just... boils away. Well, one day, she looked at me, and
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that little ball of fungus opened its mouth (or what I guess was its
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mouth - I'd hate to think what else it could be), and out of that
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orifice floated the words, "Didja ever go to make a... a pork sausage
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and find it's got hair all over it?", and then that... that little pile
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of fungus gave me a look that chills me to this day.
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Now, Earl's got a wife, and we call her... Wife. We don't know her
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name, because she's never really said that much. For the longest time,
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we thought she could only say two words, which were "dog" and "pussy".
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We thought that meant "dog" and "cat", but then we found out that what
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she was really trying to say was "dog-pussy", one big hyphenated word,
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which doesn't come up much in conversation, especially amongst Baptists.
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We never heard her say anything other than that. You know, she works
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down at... down at St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage
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Distillery, got a good-paying job there, although she only does say
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those... well that one word. And we have heard her say another thing
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once, but that was a long time ago. We were sittin' around the house,
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and she looked at me, and she said, "Do you ever go to make a pork
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sausage, and find that it's got hairs growin' all over it?", and she
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gave me a look that chills me to this day.
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Now, one day, Earl took his whole family fishin' down in Miller's Creek.
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He took his wife, who could only say "dog-pussy"; he took his son, Earl
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Junior, who took the day off from calling "976-" barnyard numbers; and
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he took that little... that little ball of fungus daughter, Effie-Sue,
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| of his along with him. They all got in a little |
