[Link:] First off I wanna tell ya I enjoyed the pizza
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Well it really wasn't great, but it allowed me to meet-cha
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I'd like your number
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But I'm not gonna leave a big tip to get it
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[Rhett:] That means he's cheap and pathetic and if ya date him you'll regret it
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23 percent from me communicates
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I'm generous, not desperate, and I can calculate
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[Link:] Is she supposed to be impressed?
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[Rhett:] Well if you want a battle be my guest
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[Link:] I'm a computer programmer and a cubical dweller
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I disabled Spell Check cuz I'm a stellar speller
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When I write an email that includes an attachment
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I never hit "send" before I've attached it
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[Rhett:] Your job is a bore
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I keep it hard core
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Sellin' knives and insurance from door to door
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You're reflectin' on a water cooler conversation
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I'm givin' an incredible knife demonstration
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[Rhett:] May I interest you in some accidental death coverage?
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Or a hard boiled egg slicer?
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[Link:] I can change your computer wallpaper to a tropical beach scene
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[Rhett:] Egg slicer
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[Link:] I car pool
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Cuz I'm environmentally sensitive
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I pack a snorkel cuz I'm clever and so inventitive
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[Rhett:] It's inventive, inventitive isn't a word
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[Link:] Yeah I just inventited it, you just got served
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[Rhett:] Well when I car pool, I take a group of third graders
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On my way to work I teach 'em multiplication tables
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See I'm a role model, an example to the youth
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[Link:] Then why did this kid just tell me that one times one is two?
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[Link:] At the gym people line up just to give me a spot
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All eyes on me when I'm poppin' a squat
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My career Plan B is to teach P.E
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The model on the machine is based on me
|
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[Rhett:] I've mastered the art of mental manipulation
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Workin' every muscle group through meditation
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This is me workin' out my triceps
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Pick up my DVD called "Mind Reps."
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[Link:] My sense of style, is sweet like syrup
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It's not uncommon for people to think I'm from Europe
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[Rhett:] I don't follow the trends, I'm a style pioneer
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See this turtleneck, with a necklace? You'll be wearing this next year
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[Rhett:] Is that all you got?
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[Link:] No
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[Link:] I see buttons, I just push 'em to see what they do
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If something were to go wrong I'd just blame it on you
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[Rhett:] I'm quick-witted, I always know just what to say
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[Link:] Then say something clever
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[Rhett:] Uh, ok
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[Link:] I was offered a record deal while singin' at a karaoke bar
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But I turned it down and became the president's karaoke czar
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[Rhett:] I rescued a dolphin entangled in a tuna net
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And donated it to an orphanage to keep as a pet
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[Link:] I gave the Heimlich to a horse chokin' on beef jerky
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Two hours later he won the Kentucky derby
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[Rhett:] I'm allergic to nothin'
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[Link:] I'm allergic to weakness
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[Rhett:] I embrace my weaknesses and call them uniquenesses
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[Link:] I can drive a stick shift
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[Rhett:] Well I can golf
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[Link:] Well I can make it look like my thumb is comin' off
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[Rhett:] I invented the Half Nelson
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[Link:] I invented the Full Nelson!
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[Rhett:] I've got a signed picture of Boris Yeltsin
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[Link:] My uncle is a lawyer!
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[Rhett:] I roll my own sushi!
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[Link:] I use the metric system exclusively!
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[Rhett:] I know Morse code!
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[Link:] Well I can speak it:
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Bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop
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[Rhett:] You just said that the square root of raspberry should be legalized
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[Link:] Exactly
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-----------------
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Epic Rap Battle
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| Rhett & Link |
