If you really loved me the way you say you do
|
If you love me half as much as I love you
|
You would pluck a planet from the sky
|
You'd use a star to dot the "I"
|
In "I love you", that is what you'd do
|
You'd take a dreary day and you would paint it blue
|
If you loved me unconditionally
|
These are the things that you would do for me
|
|
Because I need you
|
Like a fish needs the sea
|
Like a fire needs oxygen
|
Like a flower needs a bee
|
And if you really cared for me
|
You'd let me video you while you wee
|
Standing up in the bath - I shouldn't even have to ask
|
Perhaps you'd even store a little more in a flask
|
These are just the things that people do
|
When their love for one another is true
|
|
We go together
|
Like a cracker and Brie
|
Like racism and ignorance
|
Like bling and R&B
|
And if you really want to show you care
|
You'd let me wear your underwear
|
When we go to your mum's, for a bit of harmless fun
|
I just like talking about your childhood with lace between my buns
|
There's no reason for a big to-do
|
If you love one another, it's true
|
We go together
|
Like a bird and a nest
|
Like Internet and kiddie-porn
|
Like guns and the US
|
And if you love me like you say you do
|
You'd purchase thirty cockatoos
|
And teach them to fly in formation in the sky
|
And shit the words "Tim is God" on my ex-girlfriend's Hyundai
|
Sure, it might be easier with doves
|
But shirking challenges is not what love's all about
|
Love is not all wine and roses
|
Sometimes it's handcuffs and cheese
|
No one said love is for free
|
And if you agree with that
|
You'd sing me passages from the Koran
|
Wearing nothing but your Bob the Builder hat
|
To the tune of Waltzing Matilda
|
I just love the combination of Islam, nationalism and builder
|
|
Because I need you
|
Like a tick needs a tock
|
Like bananas need pyjamas
|
Like a nun needs cock
|
But if you want to put your love for me first
|
You wouldn't go through childbirth
|
You'd agree to adopt, so that you could stay thin
|
We'll get a Chinese kid - it could teach us Mandarin!
|
And communists don't make as much noise
|
And they're really good at sharing their toys
|
|
Because I dig you
|
Like an Aussie digs pies
|
Like born-agains dig Jesus
|
Like Jesus dug guys
|
And if you love me unconditionally
|
You'd do my tax return for me
|
Cos it's way overdue, and I just don't know,
|
I guess I'm self-employed but do I still pay as I go?
|
And does the threshold apply to me?
|
And should I register for GST?
|
And if you love me unconditionally,
|
Would you let me video you while you wee?
|
(Assuming there's nothing worth watching on TV)
|
|
-----------------
|
If You Really Loved Me
|
| Tim Minchin |
