This is Bo Burnham.
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He's 22 years old.
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He's a male, and he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe having sex with Ellen Degeneres.
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He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples.
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He's isolated himself over the last five years in the pursuit of comedy and, in doing so has lost touch with reality.
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You're an asshole, Bo. You hear me?
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You think you know better than me. You think you know better than everybody.
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You will die alone, and you will deserve it.
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But in the meantime you might as well tell those silly jokes of yours.
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See if that helps.
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You used to do comedy when you felt like being funny
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But now you're contraction-ally obligated
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So dance you fucking monkey
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Dance monkey dance!
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Welcome to the show, this is Bo, this is his show, and Bo likes to dance like this
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Welcome to the show, this is Bo, this is his show, and Bo takes off his pants like this
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Play an invisible drum
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Play an invisible trumpet [trumpet sound]
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Drink some invisible water
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Oh shit! That water's real!
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Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
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Bo wants to make you feel comfortable [random voice]
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Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
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So sit back, relax, and enjoy a healthy dose of
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Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
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Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
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Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
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Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
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Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
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Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
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Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
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(Prolonged eye contact)
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Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
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Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
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Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
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Lick your lips to make it more comforting
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Do you want to see a magic trick? (Yeah!)
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Do you want to see a magic trick? (Yeah!)
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Do you want to see a magic trick? (Yeah!)
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Then pick a card any card-Psyche!
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Magic isn't real, you idiot, read a book
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Magic isn't real, you idiot, read a book
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Magic isn't real, you idiot, read a book
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Magic isn't real, or is it?
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And at that moment, Bo's 20 year old cynicism melted into childlike wonder.
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He never knew there could be so much magic in the world.
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It's a world of possibilities Bo.
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What do you want to do first? Run? Yeah sure you can run.
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Fly? Well yeah you can fly.
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What? What are yo-what the fuck are you do-what the fuck are you doing?
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Stop, st-stop it. What the f-you fucking idiot, stop, stop, stop.
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Anyways. In the distance Bo saw a beautiful fairy.
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A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud about being called one in high school.
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He then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard.
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Bo knew he'd have to answer a riddle to get by.
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The troll spoke thus: 'Alright for the last time man I'm not a troll, I'm homeless. Ok, do you have any spare change? Ok that's a used napkin I don't want that. No no stop just you know what leave just leave please leave.'
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And then as Bo arrived on the other side of the stage he saw a unicorn with five horns right in front of him.
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And the pentacorn spoke thus: 'Hello Bo, I've been looking for you for quite a long t-ugh!'
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He was safe, for now. But the dark thoughts would soon return.
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It's Godzilla!
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It's so hard to be a lizard
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It's hard to be a lizard
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Tiny arms, itchy gizzard
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It's hard to be a lizard
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But it's harder to segue
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Is he skiing or is he in a gay porn?
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Is he skiing (what) or is he in a gay porn?
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Is he skiing (huh) or is he in a gay porn?
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Here's a hint: he's in a gay porn
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Ok Bo this miming shit is getting pretty annoying so give 'em the real thing
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My voice is so fucking natural
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It's naturally good
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Naturally good
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Naturally good
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This is the end of the song and the beginning of the show
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Welcome to the show
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That lizard part was pretty fucking stupid
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We're recording part of the CD tonight, and yeah, good to start off with eight minutes of mime jokes for the CD.
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I want to start off with a joke for the fellas.
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I don't feel like I connect with my men in the audience as well as I do with my prepubescent girls.
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So where my fellas at? Fellas?
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Yo fellas don't you hate it when you're sucking a guy's dick and he ends up being a faggot? Am I right!?
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These fucking faggots with their tasty dicks!
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Alright if you'd like to leave during the show the exit signs are marked clearly in red, sort of a orangish/reddish/fiery red so we'll be fucked if we need them, but we can see 'em now!
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This show is called 'what.' and I hope there are some surprises, geez. I knocked the water over by accident.
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He meant to knock the water over, yeah yeah yeah
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But you all thought it was an accident
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But he meant to knock the water over, yeah yeah yeah
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Art is lie, nothing is real
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So it's called 'what.' and it's about, hey cool it
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He meant to knock the water over, yeah yeah yeah
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But you all thought it was an
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Just, take it off repeat, and it won't repeat.
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This is the good thing, we can edit all this in the actual CD recording.
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He meant to play the track again, yeah yeah yeah
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But you all thought it was an accident
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But he meant to play the water track again-gain-gain
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Art's still a lie, nothing's still real
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What's the deal with segues?
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Food jokes, let's do some food jokes
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How you guys doin' up in the nosebleeds, up top?
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Yes, the nosebleeds where the cocaine is done.
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I had a hotdog for breakfast, in Madison actually this morning.
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And, yeah, afterwards I felt like this: whoa whoa
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Because I couldn't control my stools. Alright, Jesus.
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For the people listening, I moved the stool around a lot.
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This is gonna get difficult.
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But I'm glad you like poop-based puns, that'll be a majority of the show, so.
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Never waste a moment
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Every moment can become a comedy moment, see?
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Thank you so much
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-----------------
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Intro
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| Bo Burnham |
