[Rhett:]
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I was born with hair on my chest
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A gleam in my eye to latch onto a breast
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I cut my own umbilical cord with my razor-sharp teeth
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Then I drove home and my mom rode on in the back seat
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I didn't go through puberty, puberty went through me
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And it was never even awkward cause I made it happen instantly
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If you addressed a letter to 'Man' and put it in the mail
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Rest assured I'd receive it but I ain't gonna be your pen pal
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My time is too valuable for that
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I'll be too busy working a jackhammer
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[Link:]
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You're a momma's boy
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I was born in an Arctic cave
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And adopted by wolves, that's how I was raised
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I didn't drink milk, I suckled the fangs of venomous snakes
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I killed the first man that I met with just my firm hand shake
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I potty trained myself, you're still bed wetting
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I smell like charcoal when I'm sweating and was the best man at my own wedding
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Search Google Images for masculinity
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Feel free to photoshop your face on that image of me
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Creative Commons, punk
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Meanwhile I'll be adjusting some really large nuts
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[Rhett:]
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I rise before the sun, screw circadian rhythm
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I bathe with sandpaper and my underwear is denim
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I shave with a box cutter, blindfolded as well
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Cause if I look in the mirror I intimidate myself
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[Link:]
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I got no need for sleep, I never shut my eyes
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I tie fishing lures while I memorize Apache war cries
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The sun comes up when I tell it I'm ready
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Then I trim my nose hairs with a razor-sharp machete
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[Rhett:]
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I'm manly cause I'm so handy, even my feet are hands
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I built a hobbit house for a homeless man without using any plans
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My kids' jungle gym has a full-size trapeze
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And I modified my garden hose to dispense nacho cheese
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[Link:]
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I'm handy, too, I rerouted my bathroom exhaust fan into your bedroom
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My right incisor's a Phillips head screwdriver
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I made my sun deck into a holodeck where I hang out with MacGyver
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[Rhett:]
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My GPS gets its sense of direction from me
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I can drive ten hours without stopping to take a leak
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I don't avert my eyes when I pass roadkill
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And I teach an online course in parallel parking skills
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[Link:]
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When my car breaks down I don't call a mechanic
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I just open the hood and then I stare at it
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And then I call a mechanic but I won't be cheated
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He's not gonna talk me into repairs that I didn't know that I needed
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[Rhett:]
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I can sleep alone in the woods without a tent
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I might get a little scared but then I get over it
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I tie knots that Eagle Scouts haven't even heard of
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Like the double overhead figure-eight fisherman's bird glove
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[Link:]
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Well, I got the know-how to properly grill every part of a cow
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And when I taste a veggie patty I just spit it out
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I break your face with a plate if you want it well done
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And your wife is always asking me to toast her buns
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[Dialogue: Rhett and Link, Nice Peter, EpicLLOYD]
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Er, fellas?
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Everything alright here?
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Er, yeah! He was just cleaning something off my shirt
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Yup, got it
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Okidoki
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You guys have a great day!
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[Rhett and Link:]
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I'm too much man for a manicure
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I don't even have cuticles
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For the sake of convenience I keep a urinal in my cubical
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I can barefoot ski
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I can smell the fear of bees
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I threw up in my mouth the one time that I watched Glee
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I am my own boss
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My middle name is Hoss
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I don't even know what it feels like to sit with my legs crossed
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I've never been shopping
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I don't remove pizza toppings
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I can tell the age of a mountain goat just by sniffing its droppings
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You sniff mountain goat droppings?
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Well...
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[Lauren Sweetser, Taryn Southern:]
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Honey, somebody did a stinky, it's got your name on it
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Babe, the Real Housewives marathon's about to start
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And you'd promised you'd make your vegan ooey gooey bars
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-----------------
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Epic Rap Battle Of Manliness
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| Rhett & Link |
